I wrote this in an email to my
friend Holly. I think it sheds light on just one piece of my very confused
heart.
I don’t know when I’m going
to be able to send you this, but as of today I only have 37 more days in Nsoko.
We’re spending one night and one day in Manzini and then one night in Joburg
before we fly out on the tenth. Then, after the weird time travel that happens
when you fly over seas backwards to the earth’s turning, I spend I think three
days in Houston with the rest of the people in the Novas project before coming
home. But 37 days? That’s nothing. I will be leaving here so soon and that
makes me immeasurably sad. I don’t know when I’ll be able to come back here.
I’m going to miss my five Swazi boyfriends under the age of five. I’m going to
miss the mountains. I’m going to miss coming in at night with my legs three
whole shades darker from the dirt. I’m going to miss PG and how much of a freak
he is. I’m going to miss Mapile’s laugh and the way Majabane says “jerk”. I’m
going to miss saying hello to everyone I see on the side of the road. I’m going
to miss being able to wear the same clothes for days on end and have people not
think anything of it. I’m going to miss the sunsets. I’m going to miss
PB&J’s for lunch and rice, baked beans, and canned veggies for dinner. I’m
going to miss the Spar. I’m going to miss Mac and the Tuesday night club in
Lavumisa. I’m going to miss riding in khumbis made for 15 with 20 other people.
I’m going to miss seeing giraffes on the side of the road. I’m going to miss
painting dirty little African fingernails. I’m going to miss hearing DJ Call Me
everywhere I go. I’m going to miss holding sick kids’ hands as I walk them to
the clinic. I’m going to miss Nomsa slapping me on the butt every Tuesday at
women’s group. I’m going to miss everything about here. Is it really possible
that this chapter of my life is ending? Am I really not going to stay here for
the rest of my life? Is there actually a real possibility that I am saying
goodbye forever to some of the people I love here? Sorry I just rambled and
rambled. I couldn’t stop once I started. I am in love with this place, and I
will leave part of me behind here, but I hope that some of Nsoko will come home
with me too.
I have so many conflicting
emotions within me as we approach the end of out time here. Homesickness,
regret, hope, anxiousness, yearning for the future, despair, brokenness. I
wonder what I will think and feel when I look back on this season of my life in
ten years. Where and how will I see God in all of this?
Lila,
thanks for posting today and for giving me some honest real stuff to think about on this Easter evening – especially the bit on brokenness. i resonate with where you’re at right now and with the ache that starts to kick in near the end. when you can’t tell which way is up, or what you want, or what to make of it all. your heart might be confused, but it’s clearly still really soft and broken, and that’s a good spot. so like you said, look God in the eyes and keep walking towards him.
the grace that called you over there, and has provided for you, and has transformed you and given you the love to pour out on the days when you’ve had nothing left but selfishness will keep its grip on you through all the shifting and confusion. even when you don’t feel it or believe it – and when it feels like the strangest and most difficult thing in the world. trust me. it’ been a long lesson for me.
thus concludes my book of a comment. miss you kid.
matt
also, I’m praying for you tonight. you and all your Swazi folk. just so you know.
Lila – this is good, honest processing! You’re right, seasons are going to change. The changing of seasons isn’t a bad thing…but that doesn’t it easy. Jesus talked about us falling as a seed to the ground and dying…only so that we could be rebirthed. You coming home is a dying of sorts – but one that will turn out amazing fruit! Nsoko isn’t gone forever, it will always be a part of your memory and a piece of you will always long for it. But it’s not “goodbye”, just “see you later”.
Your post does two things to me Lila as I sit here,
1) excited to see you all and hear all of the brokeness and the incredible transformation that i hear on the page
2) causes me to remember and cherish saying my own goodbye and asking the same questions, and being inspired by you because it really is an amazing place to be when we can speak these words knowing its messy but all because God did something so amazing and brought us into it.
Blair.