I wrote this in an email to my
friend Holly. I think it sheds light on just one piece of my very confused
heart.

I don't know when I'm going
to be able to send you this, but as of today I only have 37 more days in Nsoko.
We're spending one night and one day in Manzini and then one night in Joburg
before we fly out on the tenth. Then, after the weird time travel that happens
when you fly over seas backwards to the earth's turning, I spend I think three
days in Houston with the rest of the people in the Novas project before coming
home. But 37 days? That's nothing. I will be leaving here so soon and that
makes me immeasurably sad. I don't know when I'll be able to come back here.
I'm going to miss my five Swazi boyfriends under the age of five. I'm going to
miss the mountains. I'm going to miss coming in at night with my legs three
whole shades darker from the dirt. I'm going to miss PG and how much of a freak
he is. I'm going to miss Mapile's laugh and the way Majabane says "jerk". I'm
going to miss saying hello to everyone I see on the side of the road. I'm going
to miss being able to wear the same clothes for days on end and have people not
think anything of it. I'm going to miss the sunsets. I'm going to miss
PB&J's for lunch and rice, baked beans, and canned veggies for dinner. I'm
going to miss the Spar. I'm going to miss Mac and the Tuesday night club in
Lavumisa. I'm going to miss riding in khumbis made for 15 with 20 other people.
I'm going to miss seeing giraffes on the side of the road. I'm going to miss
painting dirty little African fingernails. I'm going to miss hearing DJ Call Me
everywhere I go. I'm going to miss holding sick kids' hands as I walk them to
the clinic. I'm going to miss Nomsa slapping me on the butt every Tuesday at
women's group. I'm going to miss everything about here. Is it really possible
that this chapter of my life is ending? Am I really not going to stay here for
the rest of my life? Is there actually a real possibility that I am saying
goodbye forever to some of the people I love here? Sorry I just rambled and
rambled. I couldn't stop once I started. I am in love with this place, and I
will leave part of me behind here, but I hope that some of Nsoko will come home
with me too.

I have so many conflicting
emotions within me as we approach the end of out time here. Homesickness,
regret, hope, anxiousness, yearning for the future, despair, brokenness. I
wonder what I will think and feel when I look back on this season of my life in
ten years. Where and how will I see God in all of this?