This past week I stumbled upon a
letter that Tag, the leader of the Novas Project, had given to us at the end of
our time in Mexico. I was going through receipts and I found it folded in the
middle of the stack. I have absolutely no idea how it got there. So I opened it
up, and read it again. I was struck by something he said that I had simply
glazed over the first few times I read it.

"The pursuit of money has destroyed more
of my friends than all other snares combined. It will numb you to the
brokenness around you and will tell you that it is a good thing. And that is
dangerously similar to alcoholism or drug abuse. I know you are sick of my
talking about this, and many of you are probably rolling your eyes at this
point, but I beg of you with all that is in me, guard your heart against
greed."

In Mexico we talked over and over
again about greed and Jesus' commandments concerning money. The message is
clear- build up treasure in heaven, not on earth, and give to those who ask of
you. Four months ago, I got this. Four months ago, my heart was truly guarded
against greed. I suppose this is why Tag's words never caught my attention
before now.

While being here, I have
sometimes found myself dreaming longingly for air conditioning, my own room, a
kitchen without roaches, couches, basically American convenience in general.
This is to be expected considering I have been raised in opulence and have now been
unceremoniously dropped into the midst of very real poverty. The longing has never been detrimental to my
experience here though. I am still so grateful for how extremely blessed we are
here, even if it doesn't live up to the standards of comfort, cleanliness, or
comparative extravagance that I'm used to. However, it led me to long for other
things- new clothes, money to spend on myself rather than on Swazis, nice
shampoo and conditioner, meals that don't consist of rice, baked beans, and
canned veggies, etc. I began to long for luxury once again. I longed for the
day when I wouldn't have to decide between buying a new dress and sending a
sick child to the clinic. Greed was making its way into my heart again.

So I began praying. I prayed that
God would strip my heart of any selfish desires for possessions and money. I
prayed that I would be able to forgo my own wants for the needs of other. I
prayed that when I get back to the States I won't be plagued by the greed that
grips our country. And God, being the hilarious answerer of prayers that he is,
has this week brought me to a new found level of abhorrence of money and all
things to do with it in a way that I never expected.

Scott Borg, the director of
Swaziland at AIM was here a few weeks ago and put me in charge of all of the
finances in Nsoko to help ease the load of responsibility on Gift. This was
quite helpful to both Gift and I because he now doesn't have to deal with the
money at all, and I can keep track of how all of it is spent more easily. But
last Monday he and Philile left for South Africa for three weeks to rest,
leaving us in charge of Nsoko and I have brand new respect for Gift and the
life that he leads. Since they've been gone people have not stopped asking me
for money. Not once. Nsoko is an extraordinarily poor area. Many people don't
have money even for food or medical care. They work and work just to be able to
send their kids to school and put dinner on the table, or dirt floor rather.
There is never enough money here. Ever. Gift does all that he can to help who
he can, but there is absolutely no way he could ever provide for everyone's
needs. This doesn't deter them from asking though. They need money for food.
They need money for school fees. They need money for transportation. They need
money to go to the clinic. They need money for a new pair of shoes. They need
money to fix their roof. These aren't petty desires, they're legitimate needs
and it hurts my heart to have to say no. But I have to. There simply isn't
money enough. And on top of people asking me for money from the ministry
budget, there seems to be a sudden upswing in the number of people asking me
and my teammates personally for money. This has happened the entire time we've
been here. There is this mentality here in Swaziland that white skin means
money. There's a lot of truth to that assumption, and people have used that to
their advantage. We pay for what we can from what we have. Most of the personal
money we've spent here has gone to other people and there's no bitterness in
that. We genuinely desire to help the people we've come to love. But this whole
week I have felt like the only reason anyone wants to talk to me is for money.
Obviously this is a gross exaggeration, but sometimes it's how I feel. I am
sick of people asking me for money. I am sick of having to say no. I am sick of
people thinking that money is the solution to all problems. I am sick of people
feeling like they always need more. I am sick of people not seeing the grace in
their lives in the form of what they do
have.

And here I am, cured, temporarily
at least, of any greed that was in my heart. Money is dumb. Perhaps that sounds
childish, but I can't really think of any better summary of the way I feel
right now. I refuse to spend my life in search of money and the things it can
buy, and I strongly urge you to make sure that you don't either.