This is from my journal.

God, do I really want more? Or do I just think that I want
more? Why do I even want a relationship with you? Why don't I just live a
"good" life by all the basic rules?

Because it's miserable. I'm miserable like this. I distract
myself from the fact that my life feels kind of empty but if I sit still long
enough I see that I am not fulfilled or satisfied. I'm back on the fence. No,
I'm on a different fence altogether. Not the fence of following either Christ
or the World, but the fence of being simply a "Christian" or being
wholeheartedly sold out to whatever God has in store for me. And the fence
sucks. Especially because I've already made the decision. I know what I've chose,
I've just returned to the fence because I don't know where else to go. And I
can't pretend like in Swaz I was closer to God. It was just easier to choose
him there. I can no longer idolize my time spent there. And even if things
between God and I had been substantially better there, it wouldn't matter to me
now because God is never interested in going backwards, it's always forwards,
always building on what has already been.

But again, do I really want more of him? By default, if
nothing else, I must. Because the alternatives are both equally impossible. I
can neither stay where I am or walk away. Forwards, more, is my only real
option. I can no more stay here than I can voluntarily eat only butter for the
rest of my life. I am programmed to detest this kind of stagnant, chronically
miserable state. And to leave... where else would I go? Now that I have felt the
complete joy that comes with a life with God I don't think I could ever be
happy doing anything but following him. And the selfish creature that I am, my
life, ultimately revolves around my own happiness. So then I must have more,
because what I have now isn't enough. But how do I get more? And I think this
is the real battle. My Flesh vs. my Spirit. My Spirit is desperate for more,
but my flesh insists that the cost is too great. My flesh only wants to give
the minimum and expects the maximum in return. 

But God isn't a god of minimums. He's a God of extremes. So
he'll accept nothing less than all that I have. Not because he wants it all for
himself, or because he expects me to offer something in return for his grace,
but because he knows how miserable the fence is and the only way to get off the
fence is to give up everything that draws you to the other side. The Flesh is
strong, and the heart is deceptive, and it will use anything it can to bring
you back to the other side of the fence. And God is a god who loves me totally
and completely and wants only what is best for me- which is Himself.

I've become so wrapped up in the world that my Flesh, fed on
desires, has begun to rival my Spirit once again. But greater is He who is in
me than he who is in the world.