This is from my journal.
God, do I really want more? Or do I just think that I want
more? Why do I even want a relationship with you? Why don’t I just live a
“good” life by all the basic rules?
Because it’s miserable. I’m miserable like this. I distract
myself from the fact that my life feels kind of empty but if I sit still long
enough I see that I am not fulfilled or satisfied. I’m back on the fence. No,
I’m on a different fence altogether. Not the fence of following either Christ
or the World, but the fence of being simply a “Christian” or being
wholeheartedly sold out to whatever God has in store for me. And the fence
sucks. Especially because I’ve already made the decision. I know what I’ve chose,
I’ve just returned to the fence because I don’t know where else to go. And I
can’t pretend like in Swaz I was closer to God. It was just easier to choose
him there. I can no longer idolize my time spent there. And even if things
between God and I had been substantially better there, it wouldn’t matter to me
now because God is never interested in going backwards, it’s always forwards,
always building on what has already been.
But again, do I really want more of him? By default, if
nothing else, I must. Because the alternatives are both equally impossible. I
can neither stay where I am or walk away. Forwards, more, is my only real
option. I can no more stay here than I can voluntarily eat only butter for the
rest of my life. I am programmed to detest this kind of stagnant, chronically
miserable state. And to leave… where else would I go? Now that I have felt the
complete joy that comes with a life with God I don’t think I could ever be
happy doing anything but following him. And the selfish creature that I am, my
life, ultimately revolves around my own happiness. So then I must have more,
because what I have now isn’t enough. But how do I get more? And I think this
is the real battle. My Flesh vs. my Spirit. My Spirit is desperate for more,
but my flesh insists that the cost is too great. My flesh only wants to give
the minimum and expects the maximum in return.
But God isn’t a god of minimums. He’s a God of extremes. So
he’ll accept nothing less than all that I have. Not because he wants it all for
himself, or because he expects me to offer something in return for his grace,
but because he knows how miserable the fence is and the only way to get off the
fence is to give up everything that draws you to the other side. The Flesh is
strong, and the heart is deceptive, and it will use anything it can to bring
you back to the other side of the fence. And God is a god who loves me totally
and completely and wants only what is best for me- which is Himself.
I’ve become so wrapped up in the world that my Flesh, fed on
desires, has begun to rival my Spirit once again. But greater is He who is in
me than he who is in the world.
Lila, You are there and here and in the “now”. Now it is important to be PRESENT. The world needs you. You have given and will give many things. Rest your mind. Now remember as the poet Tom Berrigan says, you are “Feminine, Marvelous, and Tough. Look him up.
I love you,
Auntie Kim
hey sweet girl.
really deep here.
happiness… or let’s call it JOY (which we all desire)
All built to have a hunger for… and we are fortunate – the ones FOLLOWING – truly GIVING all to God to have had TASTES of a life with such JOY
In His presence is the FULLNESS of JOY! YOU know this.
so? what are you to do?
RELAX. CALM DOWN. and just find some time to intentionally get into HIS PRESENCE… you can do that.
You know also that He WILL take care of you.
Actively Glorify HIM…
How can you do that? – – – – GO and BE a BLESSING to someone else…
GET YOUR EYES OFF YOURSELF… and look to others…
and while you do that… GOD is GLORIFIED – YOU are FILLED with JOY and NATURALLY in HIS PRESENCE…
isn’t that what you’re looking for? Hungry to eat again of?
He shows up… don’t disregard the little little ways.
be faithful with little – to be trusted with much !!!
KEEP PRESSING IN!
your blogs continue to intrigue me, i continue to love you.
So often I wish our hearts could get what our minds know to be true. It’s a place I find myself in, too – wanting to go further, deeper, to abandon all and be able to say, “Lord, if You don’t step in, I’m dead.” I know from experience that journey is a long path, but I’m thankful for meeting other sojourners along the way, like yourself, who both challenge and inspire me to keep going. It’s about the quiet, steadfast voice that screams night and day, “This is the way. Walk in it.”
Um, this describes EXACTLY how I feel in my walk right now. It’s utterly heart wrenching to be pulled by both things. I literally feel myself being pulled in both directions at the same time! Thank you for writing it down and being transparent.