We’re in Manzini
at the bus rank, which is just this massive parking lot full of khumbis
(buses). There are people everywhere trying to find a ride or selling things.
As you walk in you’re assaulted by drivers competing for your attention trying
to find out where you’re going so you’ll ride with them. Once you find a khumbi
going where you want to go you have to wait for it to fill up before you leave,
and this is what we’re doing. Katie and I are sitting next to each other and
Jess, Bryan, and Jon are sitting right behind us. I’m engrossed by my book when
this guy walks on. He’s probably in his mid-twenties and he’s wearing these
sunglasses that look like they’ve been designed by J.Lo or something. He
obviously thinks he’s cool. I’m not sure if I smelled particularly nice or if I
accidentally smiled at him as he walked on or something, but he takes an
immediate liking to me. “Hello! How are you? I love you!” This is his greeting.
It’s not uncommon in Swaziland, and I’ve learned to just ignore it. So I
giggled but kept reading. I was born with a pretty decent creeper repellant so
usually they go after Katie and Jess and leave me blissfully alone. He was
persistent though. “I love you. You are beautiful. I want to marry you!” Now I
don’t think I have publicly announced this, but I am already engaged to Dumo, a
local three year old. He’s even pledged to pay 75 cows for me. The tradition
here in Swazi is to pay lobola (bride price) for your wife with cows. The usual
price is 17 cows, but Dumo really loves me. So obviously I could not accept
this man’s offer. I told him about Dumo, and he said he would pay 100 cows.
That is just a ludicrous amount of money so I returned to my book. But he
persevered, even through Jon and Bryan’s repeated assurances that I was not
going to marry him. So Bryan came up with a new diversionary tactic, and I must
say, I think it’s been the most effective yet. He turns to the man and says,
with eyes misted over in adoration, “I love you! Will you marry me?” This
caught him off guard. “No! I can’t marry you!” he responded. “But you can’t
marry her either.” Creeper then turned to me and said “The Almighty God is
witness to the deep love I have for you.” I’m not sure I’ve gotten a proposal
quite as elegant yet, but still, there’s no way. Dumo and I are in serious love.
Bryan, meanwhile, continues professing his deep, irresistible love to the
Creeper. Every time he would start to say something to me, Bryan would
retaliate by either repeating what the Creeper said in a grosser, mushier
stomach curdling way, or advertising his services as a life partner. “L- is for
the way you look at me..” Bryan sang in his best Las Vegas side-show voice. “I
will cook for you, and clean for you, and give you a big belly!” He even
attempted to stroke his face, but was spurned by a sharp reply of “Man, I am
not gay!” “But I LOVE you!” This continued for a good hour. Everyone, including
the other Swazis on the bus, was laughing hysterically, me still trying to hide
behind my book. Eventually he got off the khumbi, but not without instructing
my team to “take care of this one.”
While the whole
experience was nevertheless a tad disturbing, it was by far the most
entertaining proposal I have, and probably will ever have.
